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Update

I'm feeling better now. I'm still not out of the depressive cycle, but I'm better. The clusterfuck that is my birthday celebration is now sorted, in my favour. Sion has been wonderful, and I'm spending a relaxing long weekend with him. I had a blood test this morning which is putting to rest some health-related worries. To my surprise, my doctor agreed with my hypothesis that I could have a form of hypothyroidism, which may be responsible for my life-long obesity. I won't know until Tuesday for sure, but it's still comforting.

And on Monday, I'll be back at school again. I've only just made the connection that my depressive cycles tend to come on when I'm by myself for long periods of time. As soon as the holidays started, I was off. Unfortunately, unlike the last few times I was out of work, my friends have finished university and are working so I haven't had company. School has been great for me - meeting new people and giving me a routine. I need structure, and I'm sure next time I'm on holidays I'll be more prepared. The exercise thing hasn't come along as well as I'd hoped but I have still been active.

I guess it just caught me unawares. I haven't been this depressed for a long time (not without a good trigger anyway) and I wasn't quite sure how to cope. I guess I just need to take a step back and realise that although people will forget my birthday, my family do suck sometimes but that's nothing to do with me and I don't have a lot of money, I really don't have it all that bad. I know what I want, know how to get it, have a great boy beside me that I will one day marry. I just have to be a bit more patient and level-headed, that's all.

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Quick post

Well, I haven't really got the energy to elaborate fully now, but here's what's happening:

My depression has become really, really bad. I do go into a massive depressive cycle around my birthday. I feel like no one really cares, although rationally I know that's not the case. Especially as this year someone in my friend circle who has hurt me considerably in the past (we are civil but not friends) apparently forgot my birthday and hired a beachhouse for the weekend. Another friend told me and invited me but I don't want to go. I can't spend a whole weekend with this person. There are other friends who aren't going either so I can just go to the chocolate cafe with them and Sion and that will be fine. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, but we'll have to see.

But I haven't been this bad for years. I'm finding it so hard to fight. I've really only just come to terms with the fact that it's not my fault; it's just that my brain doesn't work properly and hasn't for years. I've fought this, untreated, since the age of about twelve. I'm about to turn twenty-four. I want it to stop. But I'm not prepared to go to therapy. It sounds horribly weak but I'm not ready to delve through all the issues that exacerbate this problem, and believe me, there are many. But then again it's not fair to Sion and all who have to put up with what comes through the cracks. I'm not sure what to do. I can keep fighting it, but I'm tired.

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A Year in the Life

Well, what have I been up to while I’ve been away? I wish I really had something significant to report but I don’t. However, here’s a wee update of sorts:

Under hereCollapse )
Well, I’d like to think that after all that, I’m doing pretty okay. The past couple of years have been devoted to rebuilding my life after various events tearing it apart. I’ve been through a fair amount of bad stuff. I hope better things will come my way soon. At least, even though things are strained at times, I have the support of my mother, my wonderful friends, and Sion (and our many and varied pets). We want to have a house with our friends’ artwork on the walls, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, and a train set running along the walls of our study. I’d like to think we can get there.

You know what the utterly perverse thing is, though? I miss England so much. I think it’s definitely a case of rose-tinted glasses but I still adore London and I think of my missed opportunities for travel and discovery. Ah well.

So, how are you guys? What did I miss?

Hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I missed you all. I missed being Gwyn. I freely admit I'm an idiot. I love you guys so much.

Take me back?

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Contemplation

Hi all,

So, I have a proposal I'd like some opinions on:

I was thinking of discontinuing this journal. Not deleting it, just no longer updating. I would invite you all to add my normal journal, under my normal identity. I would continue to update that journal probably via Twitter, with normal entries sometimes, mostly with photos.
I don't really think I can maintain two journals anymore. Those of you, especially those who have both journals added, probably have noticed that I don't update as often as I should.

What do you guys think?

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Meh.

Long time, no update.

My present mood is not horribly good. I feel tired, lonely and somewhat isolated, which is stupid because I know I'm not. I didn't go to work yesterday; I was out in the sun and got a sunburnt scalp plus a sore throat plus pure lethargy. My weekends are so full on I never get a chance to rest properly. My sleep has been off, partly because it's hot and partly because I'm riddled with anxiety which never seems to go away.

Sion and I are trying to get a house together. My mom and I crunched some numbers and it's ridiculously doable, but I cannot shake my hyper-anxiety about finances that I developed in England. I will never feel safe and financially secure; I will always worry about having no money. It comes from growing up in a household that lived from payday to payday, which was great when you had a parent with a gambling problem. All of our worries and fights stemmed from money, and it just got worse in England, when we were forced to get majorly bailed out to come home. I just want a house to renovate, a couple of pets, and be able to live comfortably in my retirement. I could have all the money in the world and I would still worry. I guess it's also the fear of stepping out on my own - I have it ingrained in me that I will not be able to take care of myself, I will never be independent. I don't know how - maybe it's my sister's subconscious influence because she believes that I could not survive on my own without her. I wish I could find some relief from all the anxiety. The tension at home isn't helping, nor is the days without Sion. Sion, for me, is like a Xanax in bodily form. He helps me to see beyond my petty worries and see things how they really are, and to push me out beyond myself. He relaxes me and takes everything negative away. Without him I just retreat into myself and the crazy thoughts become imbedded deeper. Plus, I'm just so impatient to get the fuck out of here, and set up my home. I'm also afraid of doing it too soon, leaving myself caught short. There's a lot to worry about when you move out of home.

I'm lonely without him. I feel awful because I bombard him with texts daily, but I miss him terribly. Just at this point in time, it won't be like this forever, but just now - I just need his presence. He doesn't even have to be in the room, but I just feel so much better if I know he's close by. We only go a maximum of four days without seeing each other but I acutely feel every second.

But anyway. We had a fantastic time on the weekend. We went to the zoo! It was amazing! I will post funny photos, I promise.

In other news: during my day off I sat down and read Watchmen in its entirety. What a deeply fucked up book. But strangely, I really enjoyed it, because I don't usually enjoy stories like that. I'm seeing the movie Friday night hopefully, and I'm looking forward to that. Apparently it involves a lot of blood and full-frontal male nudity. Fuck yeah. Just what I need after a stressful week.
I am also deeply, deeply, obsessed with Pink Floyd. I have so much to say about them, which I will save for another post. All I will say now is that my favourite member is Rick (gorgeous!) and that I also watched their Live at Pompeii DVD - Saucerful of Secrets just absolutely blew my fucking mind. I know it's not often that you can watch music on DVD and be thoroughly moved by it, but it actually happened. It's just, oh my god... I really can't describe adequately how much it floored me, but floored me it did. And the interviews are incredibly funny - Nick and his square apple pie without the crust. I love you, Nick <3

My guitar practice is stalling a bit. Finding a song with the right difficulty is hard, plus the one song I've found that is perfect, well, I've hit a big wall. I practice and practice, but it never gets better, I never get smoother or faster with the chord changes. Argh. Hopefully Sion might get me into gear.

I'm getting another MP3 player - a red Sony Walkman 8GB. I need more than the 1GB I've got now and much as I love Creative, I might give Sony a shot because I really do enjoy their products. And it's cheap - I bought a 1GB player over three years ago and it cost more than the 8GB I'm getting in a couple of days.

I also had to get my glass lenses updated again, plus new glasses :( I've had my glasses for three years and I adore them but they're old and starting to become warped, and my optometrist was afraid of shattering the frames whilst putting the new lenses in. I'm very attached to them, though, and I'm a bit upset. My new ones are funky but the fashion is a little more subdued these days. Ah well. I'll also post pics. I need to post so many pics of all the pretty stuff to show you, but I have no photographer! Ah well.

I just wish everything would sort itself out, and that I could listen to all the reassurance I'm receiving. I feel selfish and self-absorbed, but I can't shake it.

A Romantic Interlude

When I was a little girl, I used to wish that I were a princess.

Not the best career ambition, you'd think. Now I'm older, I realise that my definition of 'princess' as a seven-year-old was to be carefree, independent, safe, secure. I needed to be reassured, do my own thing, learn and grow, be encouraged, be loved. I needed the security and stability of an unconditional, unwavering love, unlike the shifting sands of conflict I grew up with. I needed someone I could trust with absolutely everything, without fear of judgement and rejection. I needed someone to assuage all of my fears and anxieties. When it came down to it, I needed someone to believe in me.

I think I've finally become that princess.


Sion and I have our second anniversary tomorrow. I still remember that night two years ago, me standing in pigtails and pyjamas, utterly shocked and bewildered and happy beyond all words. I still feel that way. I still can't believe he's mine, and he still loves me despite all of things I've put him through. We work so well together, we've become two halves of a whole. He inspires and encourages me so much. This is no fault of my family, but he's the only one who's ever tried to push me into the things I love but never dared to try on my own. I'm not sure what life would be like without him, but I imagine it would be a lot darker, lonelier, sadder and greyer.

I can only hope that we have so many more of these days.

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Proper Update

Hello! Finally, a proper update!

I've been busy. Work is good, I'm enjoying it, plus the money is GREAT. I've been hanging with Sion and having fun and exploring lots of new things. He's moving into his own realm, sorting his life out, sorting out future things, planning things, expanding his horizons. I'm so proud of him.

Lately I've been watching lots of TV on DVD. My favourite new thing is Metalocalypse. I love it so much! Just so you know, my favourite band member is Toki. He's so adorable. And I must admit, I really like him and Skwisgaar together. They're so funny.
Although, it's funny. On this show, as is most of adult swim, I understand, there's this weird dichotomy. The violence is thick, fast and brutal, but the swearing is quite censored. They can't say 'fuck' or 'shit', and interestingly, 'cock' is censored in one episode, whereas the line straight after contained 'dick', which was left untouched. In a later episode, 'dick' was then censored. Very weird rules.

My guitar practice is slow, but steady. I'm still coming to grips with lots of things, and truthfully I haven't had a lot of time or inclination. But I'm going to make a concerted effort from now on. Sion is talking about getting a band together, and I desperately want to be part of it. Plus, he did buy me my guitar, and he's been so supportive and encouraging, and I don't want to let him down. Plus, I still have this absurd dream of being a rock star, and I'd like to try, at least.

I'm looking at the photos of London buried under a blizzard. It's given me a tremendous sense of homesickness. The Welsh have a great word for this feeling, 'hiraeth' - the great yearning for a place or person from whom you have been long separated. I miss London and just England itself desperately, which is odd, because I spent most of my time there wishing I was here. You never win. But a part of me will always call London home.

Sion and I are coming up to our second anniversary. I can't wait. I love him so much, and nothing I feel about him has changed ever since we began dating. I can remember it so clearly, when he asked me out. It doesn't feel that long at all. I just hope with everything I have that we have so many more anniversaries to come.
Which leads me to an announcement I need to make: the situation at home has become unbearable for me to sustain. I have no room, no privacy, no relief from the tension that's constantly present. I am always being made to justify my movements and my weekends are always called into question. I can't stand it anymore. I'm looking to move out in a couple of months, once I have the sufficient cash behind me. But I can't do it alone. I asked Sion to come with me. He said yes.
Sion, myself, and our cat are looking at fairly affordable, nice flats in Sydney's west. I'm so excited, and I really do believe we can do it. Of course, it will substantially add to my commute to work, but that's a small price to pay.

I have a nice week ahead - easy, quiet time at work, followed by going out Friday and Saturday nights but this time I'll be based at home rather than Sion's place. I love Sion dearly but sometimes I just need weekends at home because there's so much I need to catch up on. I love my room and my own space, and it's hard to be able to retreat when I'm always at Sion's. Which is why I can't wait to move out - everything I need will be within my reach. Life finally seems to have worked itself out and shown me the way I need to go. I like it when it happens like that.

Question Time

Hello, all. Hope you're all well.

In lieu of a real update, (which I promise will come soon because I have lots of news and cool stuff and ideas to share) I thought I might play a little game.

Ask me anything.

Ask me questions, ask advice, leave comments or thoughts, ask for my opinion. I'm just really interested to see if there's anything you want to know about me or anything that I'm into, or if you need another ear. Go anon, if you like. I'm just interested to see where this may lead.

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Quick Update

I'm so sorry.

I'm working, but I'm still desperately poor.

Things are fine. I'm mostly happy. Although lately I have been letting my sister make me cry far too much. I must have cried five, six times over the past weekend. I shouldn't let her make me feel guilty for living my life.

But I have Sion, and that's all that matters. And music. Sion has a little mini-recording studio plus I've been learning to play more. And I am head over heels in love with Pink Floyd, at last. It's only taken Sion nearly three years.

But I'm here. I still read. And I love you all.

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